Wednesday, June 06, 2012


(My perfect little angels)

   I felt like a bad mom today.
   Last night Blake woke up at 10pm, 2:20am, 4:45am, and 6am. I was grumpy. Usually Blake is easy to put down for his naps, but today it seemed like I had to rock him three or four times before he would finally settle. Then he would wake up half an hour later. Because he was tired, everywhere we went in the car, he was screaming. I felt like screaming, too. I put him down at 6:30pm tonight hopeful that he would have an easier time tonight. He's already woken up and been rocked back to sleep three times. Did I mention James is in Brazil for five more days?
Annie was whiney today and I just couldn't cope with it. She is actually whiney every day, but it was totally magnified today. Me: "It's time to clean up your room." Annie: "I'm sooooo tired (insert fake cry)." This after she was playing joyfully outside with the neighbor for the last thirty minutes. This isn't abnormal, but I just. couldn't. take it. It finally ended with me giving a warning, her immediately not heeding the warning, and her crying and throwing a fit in her bedroom while I read Natalie a story in mine. I was too short with her today. I yelled too much. Not exactly how I want to be as a mother, and unfortunately my reactions to her just made me feel worse.
   Natalie just chose to lose it after the littlest things today. For instance, she started crying dramatically when I told her she could have a cookie, but just after dinner. It was because she had asked for half a cookie earlier in the day and had not gotten it thinking she had to wait for me to get it, even though I had given her permission to get it herself. I was kind of in awe that she threw a fit over this, considering I was now offering not half a cookie, but a whole cookie, but just after she ate her dinner. I mean, it's nothing new at our house that we don't eat dessert until after dinner!
   Why is it, that when I am functioning on so little sleep, all of my children choose to try my patience extra hard? Are they feeding off of my stress or is it just "when it rains, it pours"?
   I did have an answer to a prayer today though. It was after hearing Blake cry after I had put him down for his nap for the third time. I was so tired, and I wanted to lay down on the floor and cry. I said a quick prayer and asked Heavenly Father to help me, I was tired and I just needed a little strength. After my prayer, I told myself I would make my bed and then go and get Blake. While I was making my bed, I had the thought that instead of trying to put Blake back to sleep I would go get him and take the kids over to the park for a little bit. I know this was so simple, but I really do feel it was an answer to my prayer. That's just what I needed at that exact moment. I needed to get out of my house and just take a moment to sit on the bench and have some peace and quiet. The rest of the day was still hard. I still had plenty of moments where I wanted to burst into tears. I probably should have said a few more prayers. But I was grateful that my prayer was answered, however simple that answer might have been.
   Even though today was a bad day, I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be better. And I love my kids, I'm so glad to be their Mom. Just let me go have a good cry and I'll be ready to be a better Mom tomorrow.


[AnnieR] said...

Wow, I can't tell you how familiar this sounded of my life after Juniper. She slept (or rather, DIDN'T sleep) like that for months and months and it really took a toll on my mothering. I was just SO. TIRED. I realized that the behavior of my kids was a direct reaction to my grumpiness and then there I was getting mad at them for poor behavior when it was mostly my fault. Ugh. It's just so hard. But it really does get better. For the first 5 months of Juniper's birth, I cried in the shower every day. The shower is a lovely place to cry. It just washes the tears away, you get out and you feel new and clean and that maybe, just maybe, you can handle the next couple of hours. Hang in there Liss.

bethany said...

Oh Liss, that stage where Baby doesn't sleep is SO hard and it feels like it's going to last forever. Thankfully, it doesn't (but dang, it feels eternally long). And you are definitely not a bad mom-we all have days where we are just at the end of our rope. Some of us (me) more than others. :) I wish I could come over and bring you a hot dinner. Want to move to Texas??? I love you.

Just BTW-I've set up "centers" at our house for the summer and it is the best thing I've ever done (found the idea online somewhere). We have four centers-computer, TV, education, and art. I have simple things set up for art and education (workbooks, playdough, paper/markers, etc) and each of them last 45 minutes. The kids take turn choosing their first center every other day (to alleviate fighting) and I set a timer. When it dings, they switch. That's the only TV and computer time of the day-so they are not constantly bugging me about watching TV or playing on the computer. And it gives me a bit of time to get things done while they move from center to center. Don't know if that would work at your house, but it has gotten rid of the "I'm boreds" here. Love you!

Sara said...

I'm so sorry Melissa! That is how I felt when Corey was in Alaska. Being a single mom with a baby that isn't sleeping well is dang hard! Hang in there. I have always looked up to you and the way you parent. I think you have a great balance of being loving and firm. Hopefully you can get some rest and feel better. I think it always helps to get a babysitter for a while when Corey is out of town.

KatieB said...

there is no way you are the worst mother. that prize belongs to me. hang in there. if i get energy maybe i will try to do beth's center idea.

shannon said...

Being a mommy is the hardest job on the planet. It sounds cliche, but no truer words have been spoken! I find myself wanting to lie on the floor and cry a lot too, and my kids are 5, 9 and 12. You're doing a great job, and those babies are lucky you're their mother!